I carry my death within me.
Who was it said that? Saint-Denys-Garneau?
It's true. Everyone free
Or enslaved, Christian or Jew,
Coloured or white, believer or
Sceptic or the indifferent worldling”
Knows death, at least as metaphor.
But this says more. My death is a thing”
Physical, solid, sensuous, a seed
Lodged like Original Sin
In the essence of being, a need
Also, a felt want within.
It lies dormant at first”
Lazy, a little romantic
In childhood, later a thirst
For what is no longer exotic.
It lives on its own phlegm,
And grows stronger as I grow stronger,
As a flower grows with its stem.
I am the food of its hunger.
It enlivens my darkness,
Progressively illuminating
What I know for the first time, yes,
Is what I've been always wanting.
I'm tired of waiting, tired of fighting, tired of the discomfort.
The SHA MAID application process is horrendous. I am bullied to complete documentation from medical reports that do not exist. I have been waiting 4+ years to see a psychiatrist, I have not even been referred to a Rheumatologist yet - so how can I complete forms on my osteo-arthritis, Hashimoto's disease and others, that the SHA hasn't diagnosed. There are no treatments setup for me to deal with my chronic pain, my stage 2 Kidney disease, tumours on my kidneys the haemangeoma on my liver, the peripheral neuropathy, essential tremor, advacned cervical spondylosis, pinched Brachial Plexus, IBS, Collitis. I have emergency room Dr's telling me that I CANNOT have IBS AND Colitis. Unfortunartely, my Gastroenterologist states that this is EXACTLY what I have. Maybe they should argue with their more educated collegue than calling my a liar. I cannot get any pain relief medication because they would rather people be in pain than possibley addicted to something that could relieve their pain and let them be a productive part of society - as opposed to being near homeless, no coverage for the prescriptions I require, no money for food (SAID's food policy is to utilize the local Food Bank), etcetera. This is not a life I want to continue. The future will get worse as my body continues to deteriorate. The chance of getting medical relief for pain management becomes more remote as time passes. I am miserable and lonely. I have much to offer, but I am unable to focus with this untreated ADHD and anxiety. The physical discomfort frmom the many health issues are getting worse and since 2017 there has been no one that seems to comprehend the extent of hwat I've been going through.
After the last contact from MAID I rquested that a Supervisor get in contact with me. That was Aug 28th and there has been ZERO response.
I want to adopt Beth and Kristen - if they are interested. It's been a strange mix of wonderful people so far. Validating Beth's importance before I go; and showing Kristen, that there is love out there and you can choose the family if you want.
I love you all so much.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this today. But if / when this is posted on the internet, please be kind and gentle with my children. They've had a rough life and deserved so much better than I provided. I miss my brother, immensely, and my father is the only close blood relative still surviving. He turned 90 today. He is an amazing person and a wonderful human being.
In no particular order:
Yes, my spelling and grammar has become atrotious towards the end. I'm still old school and use a text editor with no spell check. - sue me.
2021...Failure and Disappointment. I don't understand why we are here. What is the point? I don't want to be here anymore. I'm seriously beginning to contemplate suicide now - I had always pondered the idea - but I've never went through with it. I'm frightened of another failed attempt. I don't want to end up injured in a wheelchair for the rest of my life. I have no life. I have no job. I have accomplished and acquired zero over the last 57 years. I have formed no bonds with family or friends that my death would have any effect on their lives. I have been a disappointment to family, friends, teachers, employers – pretty much everyone I’ve ever run into. You work hard – hoping that something is going to happen but nothing does. Bills, pain and higher taxes. I’ve been operated on over 30 times and the end result – I would’ve been better off if I had had NONE. I don’t find life enjoyable. There is nothing that sparks my interest or curiosity any longer. At night I lay in bed hoping that this is the last time I'll have to fall asleep - begging for the morning not to return. I can't understand why people seem happy - what is different in their life? Is it all an act?
But I think it's time now. I want to. I need to. I don't even feel selfish, who have I hurt? Why do I have to hurt? Thereâ's no reason for me to stay - it sounds like the same old, same old, but it's true. It wouldn't make a difference if I was gone.
The American essayist Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote,
"The purpose of life is to be useful, to be honourable, to be compassionate, to have it make
some difference that you have lived and lived well."
As I write this I feel very comfortable knowing that my life was useful.
I helped many people and I helped make many positive changes both in my
family's life and my employers and beyond. I am honourable, loyal and
trustworthy as I am certain my friends and clients will attest to.
I believe myself to be kind, generous, a little naive and show empathy,
concern and compassion as necessary.
I believe that everyone whose journey has met with mine and has walked
away from me a little bit happier, cheeier or smarter for having done so.
I have traveled throughout Europe, South East Asia and North America.
I have experienced real poverty and at times I have lived an extremely upscale lifestyle.
The times I have taken a stance and spoken out about injustice or unfairness I
feel like I haven't been heard - which is quite disappointing.
There were some successes with the CRA the subsequent change of CCA repoting for computers and software,
and a zoning miscalssification in Vancovuer that was set to close several businesses affecting hundres of jobs.
I am comfortable knowing that my life is complete. It's frustrating that people who claimed to be my brothers and
sisters turned out to be, as my father would say, "A Bunch of Money Grubbing Liars".
I have regrets, and I hope I have smoothed those issues over with those I affected when we've spoken.
I made decisions with poor judgement when raising my children and
I have many regrets that I didn't provide a better chidhood experience for them.
They all deserved so much more than I could provide. I was in way over my head.
The various systems are flawed and no one is accountable.
It plays out daily - Police shoot unarmed citizens;
'patient dies after being turned away from Hospital';...
Citizens who call for welfare checks on themselves are being killed or burtalized.
The MELFORT (in honestly, ALL )RCMP are out of control - they do not even respect their supervising officer while being told they are acting inappropriately.
Common sense is no longer common. The laws of nature no longer apply.
Politicians playing with our lives -
pushing MAID back yet again for those with mental hardships? WTF?
Why would you want to be here? If Miracle Wish would ask me what I would like?
I'd beg for a trip to Switzerland to Pagasos or Dignitas - or
they could rent me a Sarcopod for an hour or so and let me test it out.
The Final Straw
Elizabeth, Lee, Dan, Henk, Bob, Ranjit, Gloria, Tom & Jerri, Deb and Jayda, Kristen, Marlene, Peter, Glen, Melinda, Handy Dave, my wonderful children: Jennifer, William and Beth ... I love you all so much.
You have all made such a positive impact on me. I know I have missed many important people - my mind is not well.
I thank you so much for being part of my life. I am sorry I was so clingy and such a burden to you all.
I have always been proud to call you my friend, daughter, wife, cousin.
You have all been very special to me and treated me with kindness and respect. I never forgot.
Don't let my greedy fake siblings take what belongs to my children.